My Plan Of Getting A Share Of Trump’s $12 Billion Aid To Farmers For Losses Caused By The Trump Trade Tariff War
Satire Goes With Everything
On July 24, 2018, Trump announced plans to distribute $12 billion dollars to farmers who suffered losses when China stopped accepting importing soy beans and soybean products from the U.S. in retaliation of Trump’s Trade Tariff policies. Farmer’s soybeans and tofu products now have nowhere to be shipped. The Trump Administration plans to offset the farmers losses by paying them funds from a fund that is normally used to compensate farmers for crop losses. Normally, this crop loss aid would have to be approved by Congress. Trump says that he can just declare this as an “Emergency Aid Package” and that makes it possible to bypass congressional approval. Trump says all that is required of him is to give Congress notice. Some in Congress are calling this action special treatment or a “Bailout” for farmers who are mostly Trump supporters. Other companies and industries who have losses because of the trade war are crying out about the unfairness of a bailout that gives preferential treatment to protect the farming industries. “We suffer losses and profits too, we have laid off workers, ceased hiring and are contemplating moving overseas. Where is our “Bailout?”
This Trump bailout was in the works since March. I decided to get myself some of this money.
I started months earlier when rumors of the bailout were first started. I began by destroying the designer landscape and barbecue area of my backyard. I plowed it all up and planted rows of soybeans.
I envisioned rows upon rows of soybean plants ready to be harvested.
Hearing helicopters over the my house, I looked out my window and saw an army of law enforcement and DEA agents surrounding the house. I didn’t know why they were here but I knew that it’s time to break out my emergency kit. My kit contained an effective disguise consisting of a pair of American Flag pants, red,white, and blue sneakers, a red t-shirt with the Trump logo emblazoned on the front, and finally the all important “MAGAts” hat. I quickly changed my clothes, went out the front door with my hands up and my right hand holding up a small American Flag. Upon seeing my clothing choice , they all lowered their weapons and began to stand down.
The DEA agent in charge told me that my plants look suspiciously similar to pot plants. I looked him straight in the eye and without hesitation informed him that the plants are a new type of experimentally gene altered soy bean plants whose purpose was to entice more people to eat more vegetables to maintain their health. The enticement was that the soybeans look like pot plants that people like to eat. The DEA agent then informed me that seeing that I was properly attired as a U.S. citizen should be, he believed my explanation and said to carry on and that they were leaving. I learned a lesson here. Never buy seeds from some unknown guy at a shopping mall parking lot. I harvested my pot plants for future use (waste not, want not) Luckily soy bean plants germinate as soon as the seeds are implanted into the ground and it was early in the growing season. So I replanted my backyard with the proper seeds and waited. Meanwhile I went to the City Hall and filled out an application for a vendors license as a farmer wishing to sell crops at the local farmer’s market. Since the area that is a small city surrounded by rural farm lands, getting a farmer vendor license is pretty much easily done as it is a common business transaction at City Hall. I then went to visit the Chairperson in charge of the Farmer’s Market to get a signature and a hand stamped seal on my vendor license. After receiving the information of where my assigned vendor space is to be, I went home to celebrate by sampling my salvaged illicit plants.
I had so much soybeans that I figured I couldn’t possibly sell them all at the market, so I decided to try to use some of the soybeans to make Tofu and sell them.
Picture at left shows what well made Tofu is suppose to look like.
My homemade Tofu looked like a chunk of dried plaster. But I wasn’t discouraged because I thought of the coming trend of vegetarian pet foods. It could work! Chop up the Tofu! Dogs will eat anything so I’ll add vegetable broth, shredded cauliflower and carrots and kicked up a notch with corn meal mixed in. Cats love catnip, I’ll add the same cauliflower and carrots, vegetable broth, throw in some catnip where they’ll get high and they wouldn’t care what they ate.
Farmer’s Market Day was a huge success! I still had a lot of soy beans left but the Vegetarian pet foods was inexplicably sold out. People were asking for spoons but I didn’t have any so I went and bought them, then handed them out. These people were tasting and eating the pet foods even after I told them that it was pet food. They said that if it was vegetarian then it was all right and they want to see if its tasty enough for their pets. Vegetarians are strange people. I have now completed what I set out to do and now I have public witnesses who can later testify if necessary that I am a farmer. I then sent in the request form for a “Emergency Bailout”
A letter from the government finally arrived. Inside the envelope was a single dollar and not the hundreds of thousand dollar check I have plotted to receive.
It turns out that the Trump #45 gang had spent most of the money on the P.R. campaign about the “Bailout” much in the same manner that money from the people contributing to the Trump election campaign was spent and depleted. It was later revealed that the land on which the failing Trump golf courses sat on was converted into farmland. Trump had already claimed much of the “Bailout” money as compensation for losses due to the trade war, leaving the rest of the farmers with a pledge (IOU) to pay. The IOU should be good, just ask the people of his failed and closed casinos, the people who won court cases against Trump, and the contractors who are still waiting for their wages owed to them from decades ago. This is a President who once expressed a desire to have the likeness of his face carved onto Mount Rushmore as if he is as honorable as faces of the men already there.
