Mr. Matthew Whitaker, I represent President Xi of China, President Putin of Russia, and Chairman Kim Jong Un of North Korea. They have read your self-investigation and have found it to be lacking and displayed a tremendous disloyalty to your God-King-President, Donald Trump. Your leader Trump has been informed that we three Authoritarian leaders will allow Trump to lead your country only if he will rule in the way we approve. You did not properly self-investigate. You were supposed to list the ways that you have failed to idolize, praise, and follow Trump. Instead, you made it all about you and your worthiness for the job position. As your leader’s mentors, we will now correct your error by ordering you to Martyr yourself immediately. Your leader Trump will announce your replacement soon. [This is a fantasy excerpt from Trump’s head as opposition legal or otherwise mounts against Matthew Whitaker] Thanks for the fun read, Simon!